Mind Control

So tonight as I'm sitting on the couch watching tv, Josh is asleep.
Whenever this happens (which is every night) I tend to think a whole lot.

Tonight, especially, I thought about how lucky I am. I have the PERFECT guy in my life. Out of all of the girls he knows, all of the girls he could be with, he chose me. I really do not know what he see's in me that makes me so special. I really wish I could see what he see's sometimes. But tonight, all I kept thinking was "Gosh, Josh Fisher loves ME. What did I do to deserve him cause I really have no idea what a girl like me is doing with a guy like him." Any girl would be lucky to have him. I still haven't gotten over the fact that he's all mine. Everyday I see him after he gets home from work, I just fall right back in love with him all over again and everyday I get that kiss from him, I just can't help but smile. I feel like a giddy teenager all infatuated with her hunky football star who everyone is jealous of. haha. But seriously, I can't get over how lucky I am to have him.
Now here comes my problem...I am so scared that with everything changing like it is, he'll get bored of me, or our relationship will struggle, something will happen and I'll be without him. That thought terrifies me. I don't know what to do to make that thought go away.

I just got a new job, I'm basically starting on Sunday and that's one of his days off. I don't know how long I will be gone, but being without him when I have the opportunity to be with him just makes me so sad.

It's kind of bad, because, I'd much rather be with him than any of my friends. I never wanted to become one of those girls who chose her boyfriend over her friends, but I have become one of those girls and I think it's because I can't ever trust anyone anymore. People judge me, they lie to me, pick on me, whatever else they do, they do it. Josh is the one person in my life that I know for a fact doesn't judge me, lie to me, pick on me, and everything else. He's a true best friend to me. I guess that's why I'm so scared of losing him. He's my BEST friend and the love of my life. I don't want our life to get boring and us get tired of how things are. I want to keep the relationship "spicy" I guess is what I want to say.
I really love him a lot. I don't think I will ever be able to say how much I really love him cause I really don't think I could even fathom how much it really is. He just makes me soooooo so happy. Happier than anyone ever has made me. I wish I could say that for Paige, Laura, Anya, Ashley, Amanda, whoever else, but I really can't. We all have our ups and downs, but there is always that little hesitation I have with telling them things. Josh - he's the first person I want to tell things to. I'm completely comfortable around him now and I love that. I just love how he makes me feel when I'm with him. We can be having just a dull day, nothing really going on, we could just be laying there watching tv not talking and I'd feel so completely content and happy with how things are. We could even take a 4 hour nap together and I'd be so happy to have done that with him than being by myself and napping. Date nights are always fun as well. They are a good way to make the week more fun that it was, but dull nights are just as great for me.

Main point I'm trying to make is I love Josh with all that I could possibly have in me. I'm just so freakin' afraid of failure and I do not know how to get rid of that fear. I don't want to lose him, but I know I'm just being crazy and over thinking things. He always reassures me we will get through things and I don't doubt him until I start thinking like I did tonight. I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know it won't happen, I'm being ridiculous. I know we can get through anything I just wish I wouldn't over think things so much. Gr you stupid mind and your tendencies to think.