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Tuesday, August 23, 2011
vacation
So this weekend my boyfriend and I went to gatlinburg this past weekend with his family. It was very nice to get away for a few days. While we were there we had a good talk with his aunt and uncle about our relationship. I learned a lot and so did he. I saw him cry for the first time ever. It broke my heart but I was glad to see that he was open enough to share with us how he felt. It made me realize many things I didn't know before. I feel we are definitely stronger from this weekend.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Wait, What Happened To My Life?
So it's been a while since I last posted.
My last post I was ranting on how I was afraid of losing what Josh and I had in our relationship.
Well, since then, I moved in with Josh into our apartment in February. Things have definitely changed. We did lose most everything our relationship had. We live a boring life. We bicker a lot. We get pissy at each other for everything.
Every once in a while I had this feeling like things were only getting worse, not better.
Now, everyday I fear that he'll leave me at any moment. I irritate him a lot, I forget things all the time, I get pissy at him for everything. I do everything I can, every...single...day to try and make him happy. I try to keep the house clean, keep tea in the fridge for him, have dinner made when he's home, do his laundry-fold it-put it away for him, send him sweet texts, send him spicy pictures of myself, something. everyday. It never seems like enough. I've begged him to send me sweet texts when he's off or when he gets a chance to during the day, do the dishes for me, cook for me, clean for me, something, but I never get any of that. SOMETIMES I'll get A text while I'm at work. SOMETIMES I'll come home to clean dishes. I just feel like I'm not important enough to him for him to take some time to do something for me. I understand he works almost 60 hours a week, but he can't just leave me hanging. He can't just stop doing things to keep me happy. He used to be so good about keeping me happy, me never complaining about something, but he is just not doing well at all with it. I'm miserable half the time with the things he does. He doesn't care anymore. That's how I feel. I feel like he literally does not care if I'm happy or not. He comes home, thanks me for making dinner and cleaning it up every night, and sits there on the computer playing games or looking stuff up for cars or on facebook looking at pictures of his friends (girls mainly). I don't know. I just really wish he would tell me how he feels sometimes. He never tells me how he feels about me. He never tells me he loves me or thinks I'm pretty in a serious voice. He always sounds like a 7 year old, trying to sound cute. Yeah, it's cute sometimes, but I'd like him to be serious sometimes. Which, if I told him that, he would stop trying to be cute and be serious all the time and I don't want that. I want him to be mature sometimes, but it seems like he's only serious when we're fighting.
Don't get me wrong, I love Josh SO much. I will never ever leave him, I just wish he would try without me forcing him to. He always says, once I tell him to do one thing, he does it, I want more. But that's really not true at all. I want him to continue to the things I tell him will make me happy. I tell him to surprise me with things, like chocolates, but his excuse is always "I don't know what you like".
This just all kills me. I feel like I moved in way too soon. I feel like I'm just a roommate. I don't even feel like his girlfriend anymore. I never realized I felt like that until just now, but that's how I feel. I feel like a roommate that he says I love you to everyday, goes to bed back to back with, kisses me twice a day, doesn't feel like talking to me because he has nothing to say to me, never takes me on a date, never plans anything for us to do, never surprises me, never cooks for me, never tells me how he feels about me. He says I always point out the negatives, but what are the positives? He pays the bills so we have somewhere to live, he works almost 60 hours a week, works on my car when it needs working on, works on my families car. Yes, those things are very nice and I tell him how much I appreciate that he does all that almost everyday.
I got this job at a place I really needed to get a job at to help us have more money the other day, and ya know what he said when I told him? He said "YAY! when you do start?" yes, very enthusiastic, but he didn't even tell me he was proud of me. My mom screamed and said she was so happy for me and proud of me AND took me out clothes shopping, my best friend told me she was so proud of me and happy for me, my dad told me the same thing, my grandparents, PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK, but not my boyfriend. He didn't even get me anything to celebrate, he didn't tell me he was proud of me. He did nothing. He DID get mad at me for telling him in the "wrong way" how it hurt my feelings he didn't tell me he was proud of me. That hurt my feelings so much. The last time he told me he was proud of me was when my friends and I changed my tire all by ourselves. THIS is why I don't feel like I'm even worth his time. THIS is why I feel like I'm not important enough. THIS is why I'm terrified he'll leave me. THIS is why I always feel like everything I ever do for him is never enough. THIS is why I feel like I'm not good enough. I don't get why as soon as we moved in together, the last time he surprised me was valentines day at work with flowers, chocolates, and balloons. That was the last time I felt like I meant something to him.
I understand he moved 7 hours away from everything he had to be with me. I understand that he misses all of his friends and family. I understand that. I actually feel bad that he moved down here and now our relationship is like this. I feel bad that I've turned into a pissy bitch, but to make this work, he can't just stop caring about my feelings.
I'm so afraid of telling him how I feel because we get into arguments, it's always me wanting something else from him, it's always me that's crying too much, it's always me getting a lecture on how I'm doing this and that wrong, how I don't understand how much he works, or how tired he is. I can never be right, I can never tell him what HE'S doing wrong without feeling terrible about it and all that up there happening.
I need help. I don't know what to do. I can't handle much more of how our relationship is going.
My last post I was ranting on how I was afraid of losing what Josh and I had in our relationship.
Well, since then, I moved in with Josh into our apartment in February. Things have definitely changed. We did lose most everything our relationship had. We live a boring life. We bicker a lot. We get pissy at each other for everything.
Every once in a while I had this feeling like things were only getting worse, not better.
Now, everyday I fear that he'll leave me at any moment. I irritate him a lot, I forget things all the time, I get pissy at him for everything. I do everything I can, every...single...day to try and make him happy. I try to keep the house clean, keep tea in the fridge for him, have dinner made when he's home, do his laundry-fold it-put it away for him, send him sweet texts, send him spicy pictures of myself, something. everyday. It never seems like enough. I've begged him to send me sweet texts when he's off or when he gets a chance to during the day, do the dishes for me, cook for me, clean for me, something, but I never get any of that. SOMETIMES I'll get A text while I'm at work. SOMETIMES I'll come home to clean dishes. I just feel like I'm not important enough to him for him to take some time to do something for me. I understand he works almost 60 hours a week, but he can't just leave me hanging. He can't just stop doing things to keep me happy. He used to be so good about keeping me happy, me never complaining about something, but he is just not doing well at all with it. I'm miserable half the time with the things he does. He doesn't care anymore. That's how I feel. I feel like he literally does not care if I'm happy or not. He comes home, thanks me for making dinner and cleaning it up every night, and sits there on the computer playing games or looking stuff up for cars or on facebook looking at pictures of his friends (girls mainly). I don't know. I just really wish he would tell me how he feels sometimes. He never tells me how he feels about me. He never tells me he loves me or thinks I'm pretty in a serious voice. He always sounds like a 7 year old, trying to sound cute. Yeah, it's cute sometimes, but I'd like him to be serious sometimes. Which, if I told him that, he would stop trying to be cute and be serious all the time and I don't want that. I want him to be mature sometimes, but it seems like he's only serious when we're fighting.
Don't get me wrong, I love Josh SO much. I will never ever leave him, I just wish he would try without me forcing him to. He always says, once I tell him to do one thing, he does it, I want more. But that's really not true at all. I want him to continue to the things I tell him will make me happy. I tell him to surprise me with things, like chocolates, but his excuse is always "I don't know what you like".
This just all kills me. I feel like I moved in way too soon. I feel like I'm just a roommate. I don't even feel like his girlfriend anymore. I never realized I felt like that until just now, but that's how I feel. I feel like a roommate that he says I love you to everyday, goes to bed back to back with, kisses me twice a day, doesn't feel like talking to me because he has nothing to say to me, never takes me on a date, never plans anything for us to do, never surprises me, never cooks for me, never tells me how he feels about me. He says I always point out the negatives, but what are the positives? He pays the bills so we have somewhere to live, he works almost 60 hours a week, works on my car when it needs working on, works on my families car. Yes, those things are very nice and I tell him how much I appreciate that he does all that almost everyday.
I got this job at a place I really needed to get a job at to help us have more money the other day, and ya know what he said when I told him? He said "YAY! when you do start?" yes, very enthusiastic, but he didn't even tell me he was proud of me. My mom screamed and said she was so happy for me and proud of me AND took me out clothes shopping, my best friend told me she was so proud of me and happy for me, my dad told me the same thing, my grandparents, PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK, but not my boyfriend. He didn't even get me anything to celebrate, he didn't tell me he was proud of me. He did nothing. He DID get mad at me for telling him in the "wrong way" how it hurt my feelings he didn't tell me he was proud of me. That hurt my feelings so much. The last time he told me he was proud of me was when my friends and I changed my tire all by ourselves. THIS is why I don't feel like I'm even worth his time. THIS is why I feel like I'm not important enough. THIS is why I'm terrified he'll leave me. THIS is why I always feel like everything I ever do for him is never enough. THIS is why I feel like I'm not good enough. I don't get why as soon as we moved in together, the last time he surprised me was valentines day at work with flowers, chocolates, and balloons. That was the last time I felt like I meant something to him.
I understand he moved 7 hours away from everything he had to be with me. I understand that he misses all of his friends and family. I understand that. I actually feel bad that he moved down here and now our relationship is like this. I feel bad that I've turned into a pissy bitch, but to make this work, he can't just stop caring about my feelings.
I'm so afraid of telling him how I feel because we get into arguments, it's always me wanting something else from him, it's always me that's crying too much, it's always me getting a lecture on how I'm doing this and that wrong, how I don't understand how much he works, or how tired he is. I can never be right, I can never tell him what HE'S doing wrong without feeling terrible about it and all that up there happening.
I need help. I don't know what to do. I can't handle much more of how our relationship is going.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Mind Control
So tonight as I'm sitting on the couch watching tv, Josh is asleep.
Whenever this happens (which is every night) I tend to think a whole lot.
Tonight, especially, I thought about how lucky I am. I have the PERFECT guy in my life. Out of all of the girls he knows, all of the girls he could be with, he chose me. I really do not know what he see's in me that makes me so special. I really wish I could see what he see's sometimes. But tonight, all I kept thinking was "Gosh, Josh Fisher loves ME. What did I do to deserve him cause I really have no idea what a girl like me is doing with a guy like him." Any girl would be lucky to have him. I still haven't gotten over the fact that he's all mine. Everyday I see him after he gets home from work, I just fall right back in love with him all over again and everyday I get that kiss from him, I just can't help but smile. I feel like a giddy teenager all infatuated with her hunky football star who everyone is jealous of. haha. But seriously, I can't get over how lucky I am to have him.
Now here comes my problem...I am so scared that with everything changing like it is, he'll get bored of me, or our relationship will struggle, something will happen and I'll be without him. That thought terrifies me. I don't know what to do to make that thought go away.
I just got a new job, I'm basically starting on Sunday and that's one of his days off. I don't know how long I will be gone, but being without him when I have the opportunity to be with him just makes me so sad.
It's kind of bad, because, I'd much rather be with him than any of my friends. I never wanted to become one of those girls who chose her boyfriend over her friends, but I have become one of those girls and I think it's because I can't ever trust anyone anymore. People judge me, they lie to me, pick on me, whatever else they do, they do it. Josh is the one person in my life that I know for a fact doesn't judge me, lie to me, pick on me, and everything else. He's a true best friend to me. I guess that's why I'm so scared of losing him. He's my BEST friend and the love of my life. I don't want our life to get boring and us get tired of how things are. I want to keep the relationship "spicy" I guess is what I want to say.
I really love him a lot. I don't think I will ever be able to say how much I really love him cause I really don't think I could even fathom how much it really is. He just makes me soooooo so happy. Happier than anyone ever has made me. I wish I could say that for Paige, Laura, Anya, Ashley, Amanda, whoever else, but I really can't. We all have our ups and downs, but there is always that little hesitation I have with telling them things. Josh - he's the first person I want to tell things to. I'm completely comfortable around him now and I love that. I just love how he makes me feel when I'm with him. We can be having just a dull day, nothing really going on, we could just be laying there watching tv not talking and I'd feel so completely content and happy with how things are. We could even take a 4 hour nap together and I'd be so happy to have done that with him than being by myself and napping. Date nights are always fun as well. They are a good way to make the week more fun that it was, but dull nights are just as great for me.
Main point I'm trying to make is I love Josh with all that I could possibly have in me. I'm just so freakin' afraid of failure and I do not know how to get rid of that fear. I don't want to lose him, but I know I'm just being crazy and over thinking things. He always reassures me we will get through things and I don't doubt him until I start thinking like I did tonight. I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know it won't happen, I'm being ridiculous. I know we can get through anything I just wish I wouldn't over think things so much. Gr you stupid mind and your tendencies to think.
Whenever this happens (which is every night) I tend to think a whole lot.
Tonight, especially, I thought about how lucky I am. I have the PERFECT guy in my life. Out of all of the girls he knows, all of the girls he could be with, he chose me. I really do not know what he see's in me that makes me so special. I really wish I could see what he see's sometimes. But tonight, all I kept thinking was "Gosh, Josh Fisher loves ME. What did I do to deserve him cause I really have no idea what a girl like me is doing with a guy like him." Any girl would be lucky to have him. I still haven't gotten over the fact that he's all mine. Everyday I see him after he gets home from work, I just fall right back in love with him all over again and everyday I get that kiss from him, I just can't help but smile. I feel like a giddy teenager all infatuated with her hunky football star who everyone is jealous of. haha. But seriously, I can't get over how lucky I am to have him.
Now here comes my problem...I am so scared that with everything changing like it is, he'll get bored of me, or our relationship will struggle, something will happen and I'll be without him. That thought terrifies me. I don't know what to do to make that thought go away.
I just got a new job, I'm basically starting on Sunday and that's one of his days off. I don't know how long I will be gone, but being without him when I have the opportunity to be with him just makes me so sad.
It's kind of bad, because, I'd much rather be with him than any of my friends. I never wanted to become one of those girls who chose her boyfriend over her friends, but I have become one of those girls and I think it's because I can't ever trust anyone anymore. People judge me, they lie to me, pick on me, whatever else they do, they do it. Josh is the one person in my life that I know for a fact doesn't judge me, lie to me, pick on me, and everything else. He's a true best friend to me. I guess that's why I'm so scared of losing him. He's my BEST friend and the love of my life. I don't want our life to get boring and us get tired of how things are. I want to keep the relationship "spicy" I guess is what I want to say.
I really love him a lot. I don't think I will ever be able to say how much I really love him cause I really don't think I could even fathom how much it really is. He just makes me soooooo so happy. Happier than anyone ever has made me. I wish I could say that for Paige, Laura, Anya, Ashley, Amanda, whoever else, but I really can't. We all have our ups and downs, but there is always that little hesitation I have with telling them things. Josh - he's the first person I want to tell things to. I'm completely comfortable around him now and I love that. I just love how he makes me feel when I'm with him. We can be having just a dull day, nothing really going on, we could just be laying there watching tv not talking and I'd feel so completely content and happy with how things are. We could even take a 4 hour nap together and I'd be so happy to have done that with him than being by myself and napping. Date nights are always fun as well. They are a good way to make the week more fun that it was, but dull nights are just as great for me.
Main point I'm trying to make is I love Josh with all that I could possibly have in me. I'm just so freakin' afraid of failure and I do not know how to get rid of that fear. I don't want to lose him, but I know I'm just being crazy and over thinking things. He always reassures me we will get through things and I don't doubt him until I start thinking like I did tonight. I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know it won't happen, I'm being ridiculous. I know we can get through anything I just wish I wouldn't over think things so much. Gr you stupid mind and your tendencies to think.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
PDA
So, I'm sitting at school and I'm playing word search.
I look over and I see this very odd couple all over each other.
They keep playing around and tickling and giggling and kissing and hugging and whatever else they do.
20 minutes later, they are still all over each other and slobbering all over one another at this point.
I'm not a rude person to people I don't particularly want to piss off, so I didn't say anything.
Unfortunately I'm still sitting here watching this horrific scene.
I really wish people knew that PDA is gross already.
If you want to show your affection for the one you love, then do that at home or in private where others can't see you.
When you are unattractive and are on top of your significant other in public, that's usually not what we around you want to see.
So if you are unattractive and want to be all over your boyfriend or girlfriend, please keep in mind that the general public does not want to see your nastiness.
Thanks.
I look over and I see this very odd couple all over each other.
They keep playing around and tickling and giggling and kissing and hugging and whatever else they do.
20 minutes later, they are still all over each other and slobbering all over one another at this point.
I'm not a rude person to people I don't particularly want to piss off, so I didn't say anything.
Unfortunately I'm still sitting here watching this horrific scene.
I really wish people knew that PDA is gross already.
If you want to show your affection for the one you love, then do that at home or in private where others can't see you.
When you are unattractive and are on top of your significant other in public, that's usually not what we around you want to see.
So if you are unattractive and want to be all over your boyfriend or girlfriend, please keep in mind that the general public does not want to see your nastiness.
Thanks.
Friday, December 31, 2010
The New Year
Like I had said on Facebook, I'm tired of reading all of these posts about the new year and what it will bring for everyone and "OMG if this is the sign of the new year then I'm screwed!" it's getting out of control. It's almost like Christmas and Thanksgiving when everyone decided to be lazy and just put on their status "Happy Thanksgiving everyone!" or "Merry Christmas everyone!" instead of actually telling the people they cared about. But what do I know. I'm just a rude person for noticing this and complaining about it. After all, it is just a social networking site.
Needless to say, it's a new year.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE NEW YEAR IS BRINGING FOR US BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GOD.
As far as posting their status as "Happy New Year everyone", stop being lazy and call someone, text someone, post it on their wall. Idk, but I don't care to see it posted on my newsfeed on Facebook how you are wishing everyone a Happy New Year when you probably don't even know everyone you are friends with on Facebook. It's a nice gesture, yes, but I still think it would mean more coming directly from you instead of you just telling everyone.
That's my rant for the day.
I'm sorry you had to read such a negative post on such a HAPPY DAY! :D
bye.
Needless to say, it's a new year.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE NEW YEAR IS BRINGING FOR US BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GOD.
As far as posting their status as "Happy New Year everyone", stop being lazy and call someone, text someone, post it on their wall. Idk, but I don't care to see it posted on my newsfeed on Facebook how you are wishing everyone a Happy New Year when you probably don't even know everyone you are friends with on Facebook. It's a nice gesture, yes, but I still think it would mean more coming directly from you instead of you just telling everyone.
That's my rant for the day.
I'm sorry you had to read such a negative post on such a HAPPY DAY! :D
bye.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
New
This will be for two people and two people only to read.
Joshua and Myself.
Even though I vent to him all the time, it's still nice to vent to a computer that isn't any of my other friends that I would rather them not see or hear anything about.
Only he will be allowed to be sneaky and read these posts before I get a chance to tell him all about it :P
So basically, this is a private blog.
A private blog from the rest of the world.
As for Josh, he is not the rest of the world. He is mine :)
The end.
Joshua and Myself.
Even though I vent to him all the time, it's still nice to vent to a computer that isn't any of my other friends that I would rather them not see or hear anything about.
Only he will be allowed to be sneaky and read these posts before I get a chance to tell him all about it :P
So basically, this is a private blog.
A private blog from the rest of the world.
As for Josh, he is not the rest of the world. He is mine :)
The end.
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